Pregnancy Loss and the Month That Holds it

As we enter into October, many of us will find ourselves falling into the hustle and bustle of the holiday seasons. In the short weeks before they officially begin, many families celebrate what might have been. October is the month for pregnancy and infant loss.

I want to preface this post by saying I'm sharing from my own experience and perspective. Now that that’s out of the way, we can get to the real discussion.

I wish I could say my family was oblivious to this month, but alas, we join the many who have lost a baby in pregnancy. Our family, at the time of writing this, has lost six babies. Losing a child is never easy — not at five weeks when you first see those two pink lines, nor after you’ve been able to hold their little hands.

I wish I could give words that magically make the pain go away. But no words ever fill the hole we inevitably feel. For myself, the most helpful thing is just knowing someone is there — even if that person just listens to me ramble about nothing. I know my family has probably been so sick of listening to me theorize as to why or the science I’ve delved into. I'm sure they've been exhausted by it all. But them just listening has made all the difference in my grief process.

Spiritually, my grief process has been a roller coaster as well. When we lost our first, it wrecked me. My sister had come to visit with her two-week-old daughter. I remember feeling numb and guilty. I knew I was meant to be happy to see my niece, and yet I couldn’t be. As I lost two more, I became angry. I had many discussions with God where I would angrily ask Him why, and it felt like He was silently sitting across from me. This went on for many months — and another loss.

It wasn’t until I was sitting in a Bible study that I finally heard what God was saying to me with His silence. He had been sitting and crying with me. All the nights I sat up raging and frustrated, He was there, holding the pain with me. Sitting in that room, He explained and pointed out how each of my losses correlated with a major challenge and change in mine and my husband's lives. Knowing that fact was a bit shocking. He had been protecting us from ourselves.

Through this emotional process, we were also navigating the medical side of things. As my losses continued my doctor adjusted how soon I could come in for ultrasounds — a change that, thankfully, is now becoming more common for many women. We did eventually find out that I have a genetic factor. It's called a balanced translocation, but that's a story for another day. What was important for us is we could find peace knowing the cause. 

If you’re walking through this grief too, please know you’re not alone. I see you. And more importantly — God sees you.